The Little Willowford Mission (1)

Report One

Most veneered commander, my communication is two days earlier than planned but I must inform you that my mission is not progressing as we had expected. I will explain the details and then I am sure you will understand and take steps to rectify the situation.

The most serious problem is that the body you have sourced for me is defective. My training had informed me of the need to supply it with a variety of plant and animal based material, but this does not progress in an orderly fashion through the digestive tract as stated in the manual. There are times when the process is quite unpleasant and involves what I have identified as pain. There is intermittent production of noxious gases which must surely indicate a fault.

Also, the joints do not operate correctly. Those in the legs produce pain when first operated and create audible clicks and other sounds indicative of malfunction. Trial and error has shown me that moving around reduces these problems, but I am concerned about a catatonic failure at some point.

There are several other problems with this body. I will not trouble you with most of them now, apart from the issue with the eyes. I was aware, of course, of the possible need to wear magnifying equipment to rectify what is a very common design fault in this species. However, I was not aware of how complicated this would be. The spectacles do indeed make it possible to gain a clear image of text etc close up, but they reduce the effectiveness of the eyes for images further away. This means I have to wear the spectacles only intermittently and it is diffident to remember where I have put them. There is no apparent system for the management of hardware at all.

The second problem relates to the collation of information and the reporting system you have devised. It is extensively diffident for me to produce reports in the native language. It is a most cumbersome and illogical system of communication and it would save me much time if I could use our own, superior, system instead. There are many words that sound the same but have two or more diffident meanings. There are many redundant words with the same meaning. I am forced to spend hours researching this, even with my advanced qualifications.

Commander, I am very sorry to send such a sorrowful communication so early in my mission, but I beg that you will source me a replacement body in full functioning order as soon as possible. I have not yet left the dwelling so the population will not be aware. If you could also release me from the directive to communicate in the native language I would be excessively euphoric.

Your faithful serf,

Jean Brown (Mrs)

(Mission name)


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